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there was a young man who sent e-mails
The incomplete collected limericks of Richard C. Long

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There Was a Young Man Who Sent E-Mails.

There was a young man who sent e-mails,
To various dubious females,
When asked what they said,
He just shook his head;
I'd rather not go into details.

1998, 2003. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 10, SPRING 1998
REPRINTED IN
ENGLISH FOR MALAYSIANS, PELANDUK PUBLICATIONS, 2003

 

The Trains on London Underground.

The trains on London Underground,
Go underground and overground,
If you in vain,
Should stop a train,
The penalty is 50.

1998, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 11, AUTUMN 1998

 

The Bible in Five Lines.

God utters the words of creation,
Abraham fathers a nation,
Old Testament gloom,
Jesus raised from a tomb,
Acts, letters and then Revelation.

1998, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 11, AUTUMN 1998
REPRINTED IN
POETIC PARABLES, TRIUMPH HOUSE, 2001

 

There Was a Young Woman From Stroud.

There was a young woman from Stroud,
Whose artistic skills did her proud,
She thought it not rude,
To paint in the nude,
And soon drew a sizeable crowd.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 12, SPRING 1999

 

There Was an Old Doctor Named Spooner.

There was an old Doctor named Spooner,
A target for every lampooner,
If the meeches he sputtered,
Had not spleen so buttered,
We'd no doubt forget him such mooner.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN FIRST TIME ISSUE 36, SPRING 1999

 

There is No-One More Foolish Than Us.

There was a young man who said; 'Thus,
There is no-one more foolish than us,
When we think we may score,
In the lottery draw,
We'd more likely be hit by a bus.'

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 13, AUTUMN 1999

 

Everything I Know About the Scots.

The Scots are a race most spartan,
Whom defeat does not dishearten,
To wear a sporran,
Is not deemed foreign,
Nor men in skirts of tartan.

1999, 2000. FIRST PUBLISHED IN QUANTUM LEAP ISSUE 5, JANUARY 1999

 

There Was a Young Man Who Said Damn.

There was a young man who said; 'Damn!,
It appears my whole life is a sham,
My outward depiction,
Is merely a fiction,
Not really the man that I am.'

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 13, AUTUMN 1999

 

A Scientist Living in Bude.

A scientist living in Bude,
Genetically modified food,
He altered the genes,
Of carrots and beans,
For reasons I cannot conclude.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 13, AUTUMN 1999
REPRINTED IN
A MIND'S CALLING, POETRY NOW, 2000

 

Post-Modern Limerick.

There was a young poet said; 'Fine!,
I shall now write a post-modern rhyme,
But deconstructin' the medium,
Is just so much tedium,
I don't think I'll write the last line.'

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 13, AUTUMN 1999

 

There Was a Young Man From Prestatyn.

There was a young man from Prestatyn,
Who fancied he ought to learn Latin,
He said; 'I shall speak,
Of my hatred of leek,
But the Welsh don't have words to put that in.'

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN QUANTUM LEAP ISSUE 5, JANUARY 1999

 

The Picture of Dorian Gray.

There was a young person named Gray,
Who youthful forever did stay,
But up in the attic,
Things weren't quite so static,
His picture grew older each day.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN QUANTUM LEAP ISSUE 5, JANUARY 1999

 

All These Poems I Have Penned.

All these poems I have penned,
Each shares a common trend,
For some at the start,
May appear to be art,
But they all go downhill at the end.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 13, AUTUMN 1999

 

Clever Trevor.

There was a young person named Trevor,
Who said; 'I think I'd quite like to be clever,
I think I'd be less denser,
If they'd let me into Mensa,
I'll join if they ask.' But they never.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN QUANTUM LEAP ISSUE 5, JANUARY 1999

 

When I'm Dead.

When I'm dead there'll be no need to moan,
Just bury me next to my phone,
To waken my slumber,
Just dial my number,
And speak to me after the tone.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 12, SPRING 1999

 

The Demise of the Book.

There was a young man who said; 'Look!,
I perceive the demise of the book,
The past we'll forget,
Now we all surf the net.'
I hope that young man was mistook.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 12, SPRING 1999

 

Unattributed.

Some people might think it a con,
(This new plan that I've hit upon),
But I'll now take the credit,
When you don't know who said it,
Since changing my name to
~~~~~~~~~~.........~~~~~~~~~Anon.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 12, SPRING 1999

 

Poem on the Statistical Probability of Death.

There was a young woman from Kent,
Who thought death an unlikely event,
'Not so', I told her,
'Whilst we may grow older,
The chance is one hundred percent.'

1998, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 11, AUTUMN 1998

 

Ode to The Hammersmith & City Line.

The Hammersmith & City Line,
Is not a very pretty line,
So cut your loss,
Change at King's Cross,
Get on an InterCity line.

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 13, AUTUMN 1999

 

Poems Byronic.

There once was a young man who said;
'I have always been bored when I've read,
Poems Byronic,
So I find it ironic,
When limericks pour from my head.'

1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 11, AUTUMN 1998

 

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COPYRIGHT STATEMENT
: 2000, 2003. THE LIMERICKS REPRODUCED ON THESE WEB PAGES HAVE ALL BEEN PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN VARIOUS UK POETRY JOURNALS AND PUBLICATIONS. THEY ARE REPRODUCED HERE SOLELY IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE TERMS OF NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT LAWS. I, RICHARD LONG, ASSERT MY MORAL AND LEGAL RIGHT TO BE IDENTIFIED AS THE AUTHOR OF THESE VERSES IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE UNITED KINGDOM COPYRIGHT, DESIGNS AND PATENTS ACT 1988. THE REPRODUCTION OF THESE VERSES ON THESE WEB PAGES DOES NOT IN ANY WAY INDICATE THAT THESE VERSES ARE NOW IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. NONE OF THESE LIMERICKS MAY BE REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM, ELECTRONIC OR OTHERWISE, WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR, AND WITHOUT THE CLEAR IDENTIFICATION OF THE NAME OF THE AUTHOR.

This page last modified 08/07/04
www.richardlong.org.uk