there was a young man who sent e-mails

there was a young man who sent e-mails
The incomplete collected limericks of Richard C. Long

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Virtual Romance. (A Modern Morality Tale).

There was a young woman whose suitor,
Treated her just like his computer,
She let him log-on,
But she told him; 'Begone!',
Whenever he tried to reboot her.

Oh Dear.

There was a young man said; 'Oh dear!,
I'm not really a poet I fear,
These limericks,
Are just a fix,
It's all the fault of Edward Lear.'

Poem on the Futility of Rhyming Dictionaries.

Up north they think that castle,
Is a word that rhymes with tassel,
They think that tone,
Won't rhyme with scone,
Which causes poets hassle.

Guy Fawkes Was Destined To Lose.

Guy Fawkes was destined to lose,
But the lesson he learnt we can muse,
Hung and slaughtered,
Drawn and quartered,
Should've used a shorter fuse.

Can Free Will Be Just an Illusion?

I have laboured for long in confusion,
Can free will be just an illusion?,
If each choice that we make,
We are destined to take,
Is it fate I should draw this conclusion?

Nonsense Verse.

There was a young man dressed in satin,
Who lived in a house with a cat in,
He was noted to speak,
In Biblical Greek,
And quoted the classics in Latin.

Dead Poets.

That poets live long filled with gumption,
Is a clearly misguided assumption,
An accurate prognosis,
Is tuberculosis,
'Cause most of 'em died of consumption.

Parting.

So now it is time, we must part,
It was never this way at the start,
The tears that I cry,
Are to wish you goodbye,
And to wash you away from my heart.

Everything I Know About The Old Testament.

There was an old man named Isaiah,
Who foresaw the coming Messiah,
Jonah told tales,
Of life inside whales,
And Moses set bushes on fire.

If Poets Don't Give Enough Thought.

If poets don't give enough thought,
Then limericks can finish too short,
It is such a bore,
When they stop at line four.

(Or that's what I've always been taught.)

The Decline and Fall of the Limerick.

Mere nonsense no more now that they've,
Been used to corrupt and deprave,
So that sound that you hear,
Must be old Edward Lear,
As he slowly rotates in his grave.

Said Lord Nelson.

Said Lord Nelson; 'Oh, for a boat!,
That I might still yet be afloat,
Not stand here so solemn,
On top of this column,
Whilst pigeons crap over my coat.'

London Transport Regrets.

A young man attempted to woo,
A young bus conductress from Kew,
But she told him; 'Hey!,
You can't go the whole way,
I'm afraid you must stop at Zone 2.'

Serious Poems Bore Me.

Serious poems bore me,
I feel that they're not written for me,
I once threw a welly,
At a picture of Shelley,
I don't think that anyone saw me.

Evolution is Really a Loop.

Evolution is really a loop,
It's only ourselves that we dupe,
There's no point in skirting,
The fact I'm reverting,
Straight back to primordial soup.

There Was a Young Woman Back Yore.

There was a young woman back yore,
Whose sentence construction was poor,
She said; 'It's a curse!,
I speak in reverse,
Finish I start I before!'

©1999, 2003. FIRST PUBLISHED IN QUANTUM LEAP ISSUE 5, JANUARY 1999
REPRINTED IN ENGLISH FOR MALAYSIANS, PELANDUK PUBLICATIONS, 2003

Defiant Ode to a Critical World.

There was a young man said; 'So what,
If some of my rhymes aren't so hot?,
If the scanning arrived at,
Is somewhat contrived at,
I'd still rather write them than not.'

Blue Remembered Trains.

I stood alone on Platform 2,
The skies were grey, the trains were blue,
I cannot solve,
How we evolve,
Yet never really Change at Crewe.

©1999, 2002. FIRST PUBLISHED IN LONDON & HOME COUNTIES INSPIRATIONS 1999, ANCHOR BOOKS 1999
REPRINTED IN POETIC HOURS ISSUE 14, SPRING 2000

Unfinished Limerick.

There was an old man in the moon,
Whose limericks finished too soon.

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COPYRIGHT STATEMENT: © 2000, 2006. THE LIMERICKS REPRODUCED ON THESE WEB PAGES HAVE ALL BEEN PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN VARIOUS UK POETRY JOURNALS AND PUBLICATIONS. THEY ARE REPRODUCED HERE SOLELY IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE TERMS OF NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT LAWS. I, RICHARD LONG, ASSERT MY MORAL AND LEGAL RIGHT TO BE IDENTIFIED AS THE AUTHOR OF THESE VERSES IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE UNITED KINGDOM COPYRIGHT, DESIGNS AND PATENTS ACT 1988. THE REPRODUCTION OF THESE VERSES ON THESE WEB PAGES DOES NOT IN ANY WAY INDICATE THAT THESE VERSES ARE NOW IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. NONE OF THESE LIMERICKS MAY BE REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM, ELECTRONIC OR OTHERWISE, WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR, AND WITHOUT THE CLEAR IDENTIFICATION OF THE NAME OF THE AUTHOR.

This page last modified 21/04/04
www.richardlong.org.uk