there was a young man who sent e-mails

there was a young man who sent e-mails
The incomplete collected limericks of Richard C. Long

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Did Shakespeare Use Microsoft Word?

Did Shakespeare use Microsoft Word?,
They say that a quill he preferred,
But it's certainly clear,
That he word-processed Lear,
And he grammar-checked Richard III.

Delilah.

Said Delilah: 'It just isn't fair,
That the blame for his death I should share,
I did fall for Samson,
I found him quite handsome,
I just don't like men with long hair.'

Nostradamus.

There was an old man, Nostradamus,
Who foresaw some things that might harm us,
These coming predictions,
Are hopefully fictions,
And nothing that ought to alarm us.

Confessions of a Teenage Psychiatrist.

A young man said: 'This may sound funny,
But I was a psychiatrist, honey,
In my youth I once toyed,
With the ideas of Freud,
I was Jung and I needed the money.'

The Book Inside Me.

A young man said: 'I must confide,
That I have a great book inside,
For a work by Jane Austen,
Is currently lost in,
My lower intestine.' He died.

There Was a Young Teacher.

There was a young teacher confessed,
That she might, just the once, have caressed,
Or perhaps made a pass,
At a lad in her class;
She gave marks out of ten to the rest.

Said God.

Said God (who was feeling quite bored);
'It's nice to be simply adored,
But I find it quite weird,
That by some I am feared,
And by others completely ignored.'

The Unbearable Lightness of Royalties.

If there's one thing which I regret most,
Then it's publishing just for the boast,
These poems you see,
Are written for free,
There's never a cheque in the post.

An Elderly Person from Ealing.

An elderly person from Ealing,
Went in search of a doctor for healing,
To the doctor he said;
'I'll be fine when I'm dead,
It's the dying I don't find appealing.'

There is a Young Man in Mid-Wales.

There is a young man in mid-Wales,
Whose romantic technique never fails,
All the girls he has kissed with,
Throughout Aberystwyth,
And more than a few of the males.

Everything I Know About Science.

There was an old person named Newton,
Whose head someone chose to drop fruit on,
Galileo first proved,
That the Earth really moved,
Archimedes went out with no suit on.

There Once Was a Group Named Oasis.

There once was a group named Oasis,
Whose eyebrows did meet on their faces,
When asked why this was,
They replied; 'It's because,
We come from Neanderthal races.'

Voltaire on the Existence of God.

'The God in receipt of our prayer',
Said a man by the name of Voltaire,
'Would surely be missed,
If he did not exist,
We should have to invent him, so there!'

Alfred the Great.

Said Alfred the Great; 'All it takes,
Is one or two minor mistakes,
To eclipse all your fame,
So forever your name,
Is remembered for burning the cakes.'

Verse Written Upon the Victoria Line.

'The next station will be Tottenham Hale',
The announcer announced without fail,
'Stand clear of the doors',
She announced without pause,
'Please change here for overground rail.'

There Was an Old Man from Hong Kong.

There was an old man from Hong Kong,
Whose limericks always went wrong,
They stopped at line three.
('Tis a pity', said he,
But at least they don't go on too long.')

A Day in the Life of Brunel.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel,
Said; 'This morning I think that I shall,
Construct a large boat -
The largest afloat -
And some bridges, and tunnels, as well.'

DNA.

There was a young man said; 'I say!,
They're meddling with my DNA,
I shouldn't start moaning,
'Cause thanks to their cloning,
I'm now a new man every day.'

There Was an Old Man from St Ives.

There was an old man from St Ives,
Who had more than 28 wives,
You might think this awful,
And frankly unlawful,
But each had the time of their lives.

Icarus.

Said Icarus; 'I'll never stop,
Never cease in my quest for the top',
But his usage of wax,
Proved frightfully lax;
High-fliers have further to drop.

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COPYRIGHT STATEMENT: © 2000, 2006. THE LIMERICKS REPRODUCED ON THESE WEB PAGES HAVE ALL BEEN PREVIOUSLY PUBLISHED IN VARIOUS UK POETRY JOURNALS AND PUBLICATIONS. THEY ARE REPRODUCED HERE SOLELY IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE TERMS OF NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT LAWS. I, RICHARD LONG, ASSERT MY MORAL AND LEGAL RIGHT TO BE IDENTIFIED AS THE AUTHOR OF THESE VERSES IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE UNITED KINGDOM COPYRIGHT, DESIGNS AND PATENTS ACT 1988. THE REPRODUCTION OF THESE VERSES ON THESE WEB PAGES DOES NOT IN ANY WAY INDICATE THAT THESE VERSES ARE NOW IN THE PUBLIC DOMAIN. NONE OF THESE LIMERICKS MAY BE REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM, ELECTRONIC OR OTHERWISE, WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR, AND WITHOUT THE CLEAR IDENTIFICATION OF THE NAME OF THE AUTHOR.

This page last modified 01/09/04
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